I Eat Shit for Breakfast

Wendy's is in my front yard. Starbucks is in my back alley. Both have comparable breakfast food, coffee, and calorie content. But this morning, despite the coupons that would've given me a full Wendy's breakfast for about a dollar, I swung a hard left and stood in a long line for a spinach florentine breakfast sandwich at Starbucks. I admit it. I am as addicted to deceiving marketing campaigns as I am to sugar, fat, and preservatives: I want to pay more for my food.

I gave myself permission to eat a disgusting breakfast on account of my triumphant return to slacks, ironed shirts, and shoes that aren't sneakers. I deserved an artificial egg on a piece of fatty meat and cheese product sandwiched between two slices of simple carbohydrates; but my outfit suggested that I pay more for my meal. If I were in my dirty running shorts and tank top, I could accept a "fast food" atmosphere long enough to order a cheaper breakfast. But I was wearing expensive pants, and expensive pants must be paired with expensive, similarly marketed food and beverage product.

There is a second motive: I want to spend more for my disgusting food because it makes me feel like it's healthier. Something inside me told me this. And someone is doing a very good job at their job to make me feel this way.

Not to say that Wendy's didn't give it their best effort; they call their breakfast sandwiches "frescuits." Implying freshness. Somehow freshness corresponds to health: Panera's been riding that train for years. Lean Cuisine paninis were flying off the shelves since their inception. Even White Hen Pantry has a "Tuscan turkey sandwich" (one of the many Pantry Select items you can choose from) that is "just a little more selective" than the filthy, pedestrian "turkey sandwich." My roommates scoff at me for eating at Wendy's, but they don't see how much mayonnaise, oil, and salt I put on their paninis when they visit me at my bourgie cafe job. Oh no, Americans have it all wrong. Anything vaguely European is fresh and HEALTHY. And bourgeois.

I mean, everybody knows that the best turkey sandwiches come from Tuscany. It's what made Tuscany famous!

So White Hen has Tuscany pinned, and Starbucks copped Florence with their "florentine" breakfast sandwich. Oh, but "florentine" sounds so light! And the leaves of spinach in between my egg and sauce that is reminiscent of cheese...that's healthy! Soon enough, all the major Italian cities and villages will be covered.

Case in point:

Sammich: $2.00
Fresh Baked florentine frescata italian word italian word word ending in a vowel panini: $7.00

The only way we can separate ourselves from poor people is to make it harder to pronounce.